Still with stuff which is too personal to write for the world to read. And it scares me, and it scares me because I like control, and I have in the past exercised that control over me. With meditation I changed the type of control I suppose but the control element is there, goal of goallessness still some way off. So when I struggle to find the still point when struggling with emotional stuff the whole koan comes up. But that makes it sound like the struggle is just with practice. This is not so, practice is for me in part about containment and spaciousness to hold my life, thought I would not say that is all it is. Life is throwing up plenty for me and my practice to hold right now. Including just where practice sits. Yes the whole koan is thrown up. But it is the personal stuff that holds my attention.
Between writing and posting this, things have started moving and I hope lifting. It seems right to look up, to look to the light.
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