Clouds

As hard as I might try to remember 'every day's a good day', to be spacious enough to see through my own drama my own ego, to remember mindful, humble, compassionate, that sky like mind is always there, I obviously fail; the clouds of delusion thicken.

Today I have felt the gap between the various sorts of life I might have widen out and at the same time I've held the thought that I simply do not have the karma to separate out attachments and make progress. And that make progress says it all. But I don't feel confused over polishing the tile. No, it's not that I can't see that there is the danger of confusing spiritual progress and just wanting a more fulfilling life, a day without work is a day without food. But one man's meat is indeed an other man's poison. Should I just try to eat my rice or is part of the eating working out the path?

Ok, so to be blunt I just don't see any benefit in staying in a milieu that I can't integrate with a sense of personal growth. I see the danger of confused attachments but what can I do? By growth I mean authenticity, working to reduce ego shell and greater vitality from being present and with an expansion of consciousness.

A work colleague told me he had been reading my blog and couldn't make sense of it. He made a comment of about drugs. I assured him I don't do drugs and the posts are inspired by or make reference to various Zen texts. I did my best to explain the ideas around samadhi and the Buddhist view of mind. I felt some connection was made but it feels like I am in the wrong water trying to integrate the work milieu and my koan. Yet how can I not try? How can I answer the koan with out integration? Surly I must cut this cat in one.