Sediment

This seems to be a funny (peculiar) time. Many people I talk with are aware that the economic situation is not going to change over night and a number think things are not going back to the way they were; growth, consumerism, more, more, more. I hear people wanting to move to enjoy life not consuming but the culture is yet to change collectively. I have made a decision to follow my interests and enjoy life as authentically as I can. And it is strange and confusing at times; finding the (no-)place of equanimity, that non-attached but engaged space of truth requires subtler and subtler ways of seeing and letting go. And then there is the back sliding into attachments that happens without notice so that I feel I need to relearn. I always sit in some position and even if I can see that it is unskillful or whatever, I still need to use it to move to an other position.

I feel the sediment is stirred up at the moment and I am not sure if I've yet stopped stirring.

Connection

My post Findhorn blues are clearing with renewed connection to a number of people.
I have lessons to learn. Funny, writing that I recall my (recurrent) dream of being back at school and having lost the timetable and missing lessons. Ummm...

Listening to what I 'know' is so difficult. I really need to concentrate to decipher the meaning.

Connection is that what is screaming to be heard?

Authentic

I try to be authentic in each post and reflect what I seem to be with at the time. I try not to censor though I might be 'telegraphic'.

Just now I am with stuff too personal to post to the world. And this throws up all sorts of questions about attachment and practice. And I am also surprised I think by what I am feeling, I seem to have opened up a well of emotion.

It will pass.

Complex emotion

I had got round to thinking that I had some reasonable level of awareness of my thoughts and emotions and could get back to equanimity quite quickly when things started ruffling me. Paha. I find I seem much improved with the quick flashes of emotion but I see that life has more complex waves of emotion that can entwine with thoughts all too quickly. How complex we humans are. How hard it is to just ride the wave. And yet there is no problem, all is well. I just don't feel that way. Silly attachments and forgetting to be awake to just how lucky I am are no doubt making me feel this way. And of course it all passes.

Thriving

A new frame come to my attention yesterday; 'thriving'. I think of frames as ways in which the unity having given rise to us takes a step further and lets us see something. Bits of unity folding over its self to create and reveal.

So, what was the concept of thriving able to reveal to me yesterday? Well, I placed the notion against some of my recollections of my past (that constantly reinvented story) and considered was I thriving (or thwarted) back then? And I saw that at painful times, times for which I have subsequently tried to work out an explanation, I was not thriving and that was painful or at least the recollection is associated with pain.

Repression either by others or one's self whilst useful can go too far and thus prevent thriving. And I see that some of my anger has been a reaction to subjugation; repression by others gone way too far so as to prevent thriving.

To thrive seems to be an expression of generation, creation, aliveness. Trisna (tanha)? We desire to be or rather the unity folds or unfolds to express. To let one's ego get wrapped up in this is to suffer but to let one's ego or an others ego repress this is also to suffer. And this points I think to our attachments and how complex and deep they run, because we repress because we are attached to something. This is complex, no wonder we can take a life time (and more) to see our way through it, to truly thrive and to Wake up! and Pay attention!

Control

I am processing lots of stuff just now. I am gearing up for more focused study, change at work, working through the sub-conscious stuff bubbling up from last week, dealing with the inevitable separation from the connections of last week (even though many connections will continue to flourish it is always hard to leave Cluny and return to the big wide world) and of course remembering to sit with all this being present but not lost in it. The nourishment of last week is long digested and steadily released.

I am also aware that I want to attend a retreat at Throssel Hole Abbey. The main difficulty I have with this is the shared sleeping accommodation. I think my need for private space is a very deep attachment. Of course if I am not trying to shoehorn the retreat in to limited free time then I will not be tired and so this is less of an issue, which points to how I guard my self. Sleep is a surrendering to loss of control. So it's not surprising that someone with a control freak sub-personality likes to have his own room! Which shows how deep attachments can run.

New

I sense things changing and that I am putting more energy into being in the world. I have realised for some time now that I was watching for attachments and sort of holding energy back. It's a fine balance I think. I do hope I can get forms to their 'best' and remain 'aware' of emptiness. Routing out the attachments and giving as much to life as I can.

Right

First day back to work after last week's course, I saw my new line manager and explained what I would like to do. He was supportive! He will need to consider things and company policy but I feel that I have taken my recent decision to train in Psychosythesis to heart and it it right! Practicalities need to be sorted and it is unwise to get carried away but I feel I am getting focus in my life around this.

As I write I am aware of those that may read and the significance of making statements. I can only trust that my head and heart are in balance on this.

I'll need to take care to watch out for attachments in various forms over the coming weeks. I'll need the wisdom of my bodymind.

Yes

I am a bit sleepy; lots of processing going on in my mind just now. Back at my usual siting place in zazen this morning much monkey mind. It is to be expected, I have decided that I want to pursue a career change; psychosynthesis seems to bring the western psychology and eastern non-dualistic religions together in a way that fits my thinking. Will this move me away from zen practice and into some soft colourful ego enhancing alternative? I think not. That to me would be a betrayal of what I have come to value.

So, I will need to do some negotiating with my employers. Now I feel that I am bringing private studies and future opportunities together. I am cautious about running away with myself but I feel this move is right. In my heart I want to eat this rice. My inner child, parent and adult seem in agreement on this.

Gaining direction

I am excited by this course. It's a balanced excitement, a calm enthusiasm. I am interested in the content and the connections. I feel at home with the approach and the direction. This is the sort of work I want to do, not just with my self but with others.

I feel I need to take a step, a leap in this direction. This is what I feel I am with.

Gaining direction, umm. I feel that's not quite right. Is it clarity of opportunity?

Travel

Just finishing packing for the trip to Forres and next weeks Essentials of Psychosynthesis course. I hope the travel is ok given the snowy weather we have been having!
I feel a little anxious; the journey and the change at work. Also maybe a bit concerned that my practice is not yet developed enough for me to keep my equanimity during the adaption to the new work situation. So, we will see how all this develops as it all moves on.

Choice

I was thinking that I was sitting with thoughts of aversion, doubt and questions about the nature and meaning of the Will. What am I with just now?

Then I notice a picture on the wall. DC got it as a birthday present for me almost ten yeas ago. It is one of a set taken for an article in Gay Times in which I featured along with five other guys. The article was about gay men in the construction industry. Stop right there with the stereotype fantasy! I haven't bought a copy of Gay Times for years now but I dug out the copy of the magazine I'd kept and read the article; people trying to deal as honestly with their life as they can. At some point the heart knows. People trying to square the circle. And of course life squares the circle even if we think we can't; I recall the koan which inspired the title of this blog (Mumonkan, Case 5, Kyogen's 'Man up in a Tree' ). I also note that the campaign to get rid of section 28 is there. I understand that things are much more enlightened in school relationship lessons now than back in the 80's. The position of homosexuals in Britain is so different now to what it was ten years ago. I never fought battles or campaigns for this I just kept living as honestly as I could and it was tricky at times.

The tricky thing about practice I think is not just attention, loosening attachment and breaking free of one's ego shell it's gaining enough wisdom to know what one should do next or rather now. Am I working with attachments / aversion or listening to my inner parent? What is in my heart now?

Ah

We've just watched a repeat showing of Early Doors. I think this is great stuff. I checked Wikipedia and found: 'where daily life revolves around the issues of love, loneliness and blocked urinals.' Comedy at its best.

Contrast

Through contrast we see.

I managed not to slide the car over the unseen ice in to the bollard (just). The snowy weather makes it feel all the warmer indoors. And nice not to have to deal with car repairs.

We had friends around for dinner last night and as one of them recalled today, it was so dynamic.

My inner child is not without the play he needs and the bowl is starting to get washed. Not clearly seen but I keep trying to wake up.

Jangled

Well, we saw Slumdog millionaire last night. I came out feeling jangled and raw. We then went to a noisy bar and left soon after as I was finding it unpleasant. By the time we got home I was more jangled and this morning I am only just settling.

I found the movie a powerful vehicle to convey suffering. It brought to mind those fearless Bodhisattva. Checking on Wikipedia I note protests about "poverty porn" and "slum voyeurism". I was starting to feel sick.