The wrong kind of doubt

The past few weeks I've been sitting with quite a bit. Before I got my job interview and subsequent job a lot of anxiety had started to flood in. Some of this was rooted in 'genuine' concerns but there has been a large measure of OCD in it. I know the territory well and there is nothing to do but sit with it. It's difficult, tiring and most unpleasant. There is very little that seems solid and even the slightest concern feels like certain disaster. It has eased considerably, as I knew it would but it has taken time and in part still remains. In all this I've been wondering about posting here and noticed that there was no 'voice'; nothing to say. Of course this 'nothing to say' is more accurately described as 'nothing to say to the imagined reader' And who is this imagined reader? Well, I guess that there are two aspects to that; the inside and the outside. There is the part of me that's interested in what I'm saying (the inside) and there is a conglomeration of imagined foes that might take a 'negative or judgemental' view on what I might write (the outside). The outside is of course a projection. With this particular OCD anxiety the outside assumes the proportions of a very big and unfriendly other.

I recall talking with my friend about writing in a way which doesn't say with certainty 'this is how it is'. The it being my personal experience and NOT some great pronouncement about the very nature of reality. As an engineer I'm trained in being clear, precise and definite. So, trying to write with honesty and openness about my inner life and keeping an open mind, saying something of how it seems without being rigid can be a challenge. And it's all too easy to come across as some great pronouncement of certainty about reality. Which would be absurd! It's not that I'm 100% sure - it's just that as soon as I try to say anything it sounds like I am. In fact at times, such as when my OCD is raging, I feel so uncertain of  things (except that I'm a terrible person) that I loose too much solidity. There is in my experience, a healthy 'great doubt' and a very unhealthy doubting of ones self.

Taking refuge in the three treasures and having faith that this does let one put one foot in front of the other with confidence in the midst of great doubt even when that doubt is the 'wrong kind' has been much of the challenge this past couple of months. The direction of a new job is helping in the move to the 'right' kind of doubt.

 Today, I've also been more closely faced with some of the fears I have about those 'immagined' readers.

What is it that wants to happen?

There has been a lot of toing and froing between Scotland and Newcastle for me of late and various job interviews. One such led to an offer of employment. But the offer was to go back into a design office with a very unhealthy set up. No thankyou. The process has confirmed for me my desire to stay related to the industry but not under crazy conditions. Truly looking at what one wants and facing the consequences can be both painfully difficult and liberating. The thing with desire is not I believe, so much that it is a 'bad' thing so much as truly looking into the desire to see what it is about at a deeper level is scary. This is not clinging to the surface features of desire but listening to its depths. Yet this deeper calling is what gives life its meaning and purpose. It may or may not bring happiness but it will if given sufficient time and energy bring an honest expression to life. This expression is I believe the very reason for our coming out of unity, out of the void. And, it is by looking into the depths of desire not just the surface that we might find our way back to unity and to a peace within the midst of the storm. Such looking and listening, sitting with what is emerging and acting from the deepest gut is in my experience often clouded by a whole range of thoughts and emotions. Which of the panoply of these stories and sensations is the deep gut, the heart mind? That is the question I ask in challenging conditions. Or put another way, what is it that needs to happen? It was tricky sitting with the panoply arising in the job chase of late but I am now sure I made the right decisions.

Recently a friend sent me a link to the revolverheld unzertrennlich music video. There can't be a gay man (particularly of my generation) who isn't touched by this video. The beauty of the video is I would suggest, in the acknowledgment of the (deeper) desire for unity, in the response of the heart mind. As ever, our humanity is in form's expression of emptiness. This is desire's true meaning and purpose. It will not always bring the surface fun, joy and excitement shown in the video but it gives body to the life we lead and life to the body we live it with. It is not so much work to live verses live to work as living the work of one's life.

What to do?

I've been back in Newcastle for over a week now and I am still missing Cluny. A few potential work leads come up but very little. How do I feel about work? I need to be involved and doing but when I look at the job descriptions and think of what it is likely to be like... my heart sinks. I am seriously drawn to a long term commitment to the Findhorn community. Am I really thinking this? Me!? Can I find a job and build a life here that feels fulfilling? Going to live in community throws away a lot. Separating out fantasy, desire and deep longing is not easy.

Despite all this I am ok. I'll give the work thing here a bit longer and if nothing resolves then the time may yet come to go and live in community for awhile.

Reviewing posts I see a certain flavor over the past year or so coming through. I am not sure if this reflects the full story of my life over that time, more the parts that seemed 'blogable' and even then often the posts are highly condensed, telegraphic in nature. It's often just using the post to see if the words feel true; true enough to stand for the whole web to see.

Getting it right / wrong

It seems that my writing is too telegraphic, too condensed. I am not completely unaware of this and on Sunday at Throssel Hole Buddhist Abbey, in conversation it came up. But in a short while it was understood why; I try to look at things on lots of different levels and remain mindful that to even attempt to say anything on some of the stuff I am writing about is to risk getting it all wrong. Here we go... getting it all wrong. At the deep level there is the whole non-dual, not right not wrong; important, but none the less a smack in the face is painful. At the more relative levels... oh, well look, you either know all that stuff or not. This sort of links up with an other conversation about everyone doing their best. That works at different levels too. No, I am not being clear here am I? Forget it. I am probably being far too presumptuous anyway.

Tuesday now. Spent the morning tidying the wood shed and raking leaves at Harnham Buddist Monastery before having lunch there. Helped with the post lunch tidying then used their hall to sit in meditation. The monks are happy for the public to use the hall to meditate. I'd checked that they were ok about forms of meditation related to traditions 'other' than theirs.

Just started reading Tao Te Ching / Lao Tzu; translated by David Hinton. The introduction to this is, I think, marvelous. Wu-wei: Nothing's own doing, etc. (from the author's list of key terms). To live in harmony with the depth of this philosophy, well, for me it's an aspiration (when I remember) that could be one way to put it. To write of the day to day reality as it seems to me of the unfolding, well I am not being clear am I?

In each moment, choices, nominally right, nominally wrong.

Sediment

This seems to be a funny (peculiar) time. Many people I talk with are aware that the economic situation is not going to change over night and a number think things are not going back to the way they were; growth, consumerism, more, more, more. I hear people wanting to move to enjoy life not consuming but the culture is yet to change collectively. I have made a decision to follow my interests and enjoy life as authentically as I can. And it is strange and confusing at times; finding the (no-)place of equanimity, that non-attached but engaged space of truth requires subtler and subtler ways of seeing and letting go. And then there is the back sliding into attachments that happens without notice so that I feel I need to relearn. I always sit in some position and even if I can see that it is unskillful or whatever, I still need to use it to move to an other position.

I feel the sediment is stirred up at the moment and I am not sure if I've yet stopped stirring.

Position

A few things come to mind:

Yesterday (Christmas day) Jesus did not feature in my thoughts other than after I'd posted my blog;
DC bought me an MP3 multi media player for Christmas; amazing technology. Youths I dare say have all that stuff with them all the time and share it all with each other in a being part of it way. Or some do. I recall my somewhat disconnected youth;
Depression & the body - we are creatures of the light. I felt better today when the sun came out. Which points to that question about mind and materialism (or physicalism). Big one that!;
I have a cold, ughh.

Pulling this together I might say that one's position that is to say the basis from/of which one's reality is woven is a complex of many unknowns. But then I accepted that ages ago. So, what is there to say about it? Well, I guess it's that materialism question. Yes, there is no archimedian point, but that only seems to show the unanswerable nature of the problem. Do I doubt Buddha nature? Naa, it's just what it might (not) mean.

A bit down

I am a bit down. Reasons? Well, the dark days don't help although I am not overtly bothered by that, being upset with DC and feeling that I don't have sufficient time to study Buddhist philosophy are in there for sure. But practice is not study. Formal zazen and trying to follow the precepts are probably of more use to me. I've probably got the theory. Piling up concepts etc... So, what is feeling down about? And what is feeling down? Thoughts, physical feelings and... Umm...? Not easy this rooting out attachments. I guess that's what it boils down to. Is it that my self feels it's not having enough fun and neither is it progressing towards Self (how ridiculous is that) and so is thwarted in it's efforts to get what it thinks it wants? And who is it that is positing this idea? And am I a convinced Buddhist? Am I still looking to escape pain by taking control?

Hold up, rewind, UPSET WITH DC. Yes, that's the biggest part of it. We have been together for going on seventeen years, we love each other. I got angry and I can't quite work out fully why and I don't like that I felt that way. And this clearly isn't about anything he has done. Is this about how I feel about me? Have I got stuck in some me-ness? I don't quite know?

Oh, it will pass. All is well.

Bubbling along

It has been an interesting day. Bubbling along. How hard to push / effort and attitude, closed hearts v open hearts, fools v the wise, that sort of thing. Also information which gives rise to an interesting reflection on past events. I become more and more convinced that we need to take care just what we consider to be true. One's self view, one's view of other's views including what one thinks they think of one, etc., etc. all often off the mark.

Karma is complex, cause and effect not simple. Keeping a light touch takes a lot of skill. To act as required and not to shrink away yet not to plough in all takes skill.

I guess I am pointing to the effort required to follow Master Dogen's instructions for Zen cook. (I hope I've understood something of Dogen's instructions as explained by Kosho Uchiyama Roshi in 'How to cook your life' and use the references with great respect.)

Direction

In The Perennial Philosophy, Aldous Huxley discusses temperament and makes reference to William Sheldon's work on somatotypes. Much of Sheldon's work is now discredited. However, we should remember that whilst all knowledge is subject to the frames we use to make our forms (taxonomy always carries the risk of making the items fit the allotted holes) we do need to make some sense of the world in which we find ourselves. So it might be worth considering if there is any thing of interest in what Huxley was saying. I think so. Today muscular religion is of particular concern, the somatotonic revolution of which Huxley wrote in 1944 seems all too evident and developing toughness generally is seen as a good thing. Whilst self reliance is clearly of great value we might be well advised to consider unpacking some of this.

Would it be possible to move to a position in which we all learned to try softer? I was pleasantly surprised today to hear on the radio that we might consider the economic down turn as opportunity to tackle environmental problems. But I fear this will not be a path taken; politics is too muscular.

And what has all this to do with my day? Well, I just can't seem to work out how to get on with it. And I don't know if it's wisdom or ego. Softness or laziness.

To Start

I have doubts about the wisdom of starting a blog and I recall a joke about a dog who gave up his blog to go back to mindless barking. However, I find have a few thoughts I'd quite like to share these days so I am going to give blogging a try.

Doubts brought me to practice. Practice? What practice? Zen Buddhism. Oh it was not straight to Zen Buddhism. Oh no. Decades of unrecognised existential angst, OCD, juggling masculinities, eventual work related burn out / depression, and much other karma lead me to the Findhorn Foundation before I sat down and faced what was before me. How was I to go on, what was I to do, what map? what compass? Findhorn had pointed to meditation to the heart, to compassion. But what was this meditation all about? I soon come to Zen and the koan. I was exhausted; ready for emptiness. I became attached to emptiness, I would practice hard I would get to where no pain could be too much. Fortunately I saw the danger straight from the start. Thankfully I am much more playful with it all now; practice gave me my life back. Back in the game, living the koan; the red bearded barbarian is falling through the tree day after day and sometimes he even remembers he is!

Is that all too much? Doubts...