New job

I start a new job on Monday. I'm looking forward to 'getting stuck in'!
It's a role I've enjoyed in the past and the signs are that this role could be more rewarding.
As ever, life will throw up challenges and after a long search the job may prove an anti-climax. But that too would be just great! I was interested to read Ajahn Sucitto's blog post regarding roles. A timely reminder for me as I start a new role.

What is it that wants to happen?

There has been a lot of toing and froing between Scotland and Newcastle for me of late and various job interviews. One such led to an offer of employment. But the offer was to go back into a design office with a very unhealthy set up. No thankyou. The process has confirmed for me my desire to stay related to the industry but not under crazy conditions. Truly looking at what one wants and facing the consequences can be both painfully difficult and liberating. The thing with desire is not I believe, so much that it is a 'bad' thing so much as truly looking into the desire to see what it is about at a deeper level is scary. This is not clinging to the surface features of desire but listening to its depths. Yet this deeper calling is what gives life its meaning and purpose. It may or may not bring happiness but it will if given sufficient time and energy bring an honest expression to life. This expression is I believe the very reason for our coming out of unity, out of the void. And, it is by looking into the depths of desire not just the surface that we might find our way back to unity and to a peace within the midst of the storm. Such looking and listening, sitting with what is emerging and acting from the deepest gut is in my experience often clouded by a whole range of thoughts and emotions. Which of the panoply of these stories and sensations is the deep gut, the heart mind? That is the question I ask in challenging conditions. Or put another way, what is it that needs to happen? It was tricky sitting with the panoply arising in the job chase of late but I am now sure I made the right decisions.

Recently a friend sent me a link to the revolverheld unzertrennlich music video. There can't be a gay man (particularly of my generation) who isn't touched by this video. The beauty of the video is I would suggest, in the acknowledgment of the (deeper) desire for unity, in the response of the heart mind. As ever, our humanity is in form's expression of emptiness. This is desire's true meaning and purpose. It will not always bring the surface fun, joy and excitement shown in the video but it gives body to the life we lead and life to the body we live it with. It is not so much work to live verses live to work as living the work of one's life.

Spiritual Deepening

Towards the end of the week I found out that I did not get either of two jobs for which I'd attended interviews the previous week. All interviews had gone very well; a phone interview then a face to face in each case. Feedback at all stages was very positive yet in the end the permanent job was given to a 'slightly stronger candidate' and the other, a temporary job is now on hold until they work out if they can use existing resource. I was disappointed but this disappointment was tempered by the knowledge that I had a 'gut feeling' that both jobs had some issue / problem around them. So emotionally the task was to feel in to the various options that might arise; one offer, two offers, timing etc. to best be able to make a decision without getting too attached in case the result was no offer. I seem to have managed that for the most part but obviously it's also rather draining. Expanding beyond the wish to have job, relationship and house all in one area, there is the need to make home be where 'I' am and with what is. And as part of that to hold 'I' lightly; not to beat myself up and / or make 'things heavy'. There is no separate 'I'. DC reminded me today as we skyped that this is about more than just 'a job'; it's about the place (or mind set / awareness) which I am in. This is something which I was sitting with when considering the potential of each job and my being back in the Findhorn Foundation holding a number of built environment projects. Added to this consideration at the mental and 'gut' levels were several comments made by people that there is work here for me to do. I was also asked to consider really letting go the fears and attachments; the aspects that drain energy away and to truly responded to what is in front. In this place we must 'eat our rice'. All of it! No shoving it around the plate, no wanting some other rice or ignoring part of it and yet also no thinking that we see the whole plate. This is where the job is - holding and delivering projects in the Findhorn Foundation. Some part of my own process probably fears losing the skill set to 'get things done' out in the commercial world and even without any fearful aspect there is just the difference in sensibility between the two ways of working and living. And DC was making a point not just about holding whatever arises lightly. More than that, his point was that not only do I still have the 'get things done ability', I also have a spiritual awareness.  And as DC pointed out, I am at home in both the world of the commercial construction sector and the world of a spiritually focused community. His point was to see the ongoing spiritual deepening in this interplay between purpose (or job), self and home. In a way this is a point about the interplay of being and doing; being the fullest person possible who does what there is to do. That's more than just a job.

RM Mugo points to this being with what is in this post on Jade Mountain Buddha Hall and the post links to a post on Field Of Merit by Rev Alicia. I suppose both posts in a way point to the creative moment and the liberation of not just tolerance but acceptance. The rice is rather enjoyable then, even if it's not quite what might be otherwise chosen. Although sometimes I find some spoonfuls most unpalatable! That opening paragraph in RM Mugo's post certainly struck a chord with me. And I am not talking about job rejections here. No, sometimes life is very hard. Yet this very difficulty, the very sadness inherent in it, affords the most beautiful meaning to our lives.

At present my job is in the FF and it is here because I've the ability to get things done in the built environment as part of a practical spirituality.

Potential Work

There is the potential for some freelance work; self employment status. To put energy into this I've ordered business cards and set up a website. If it all comes to fruition then I'll register self employed with the tax office. I notice that my pessimism needs to be firmly put to one side. I also notice how writing here about this brings together this site and my new site but only from this side. I haven't linked to this part of my life from my professional 'shop window'. As long as I recognize the risk of splitting I guess I should have a good chance to avoid it. This points to authenticity and the way in which we all need to wear some kind of a mask or self. The question I find helpful is 'am I adjusting my presentation (my mask) to fit or to deceive?' I wonder how long I'll keep this new site going.

But since all work and no play makes for not just a dull Jack but also a dull post, here is a photo of the coast from last Sunday; a splendid day! The composition is not great but look closely and see how clear the day is...

Flowing on

I've not been doing very much at all lately and it's no good for me! I am just not cut out for being idle. And there is no spiritual 'progress' in it for me at present either. Oh, that's not true, the time has been teaching, what I meant was that I've not been able to get in to deep states of inner peace! No, too much uncertainty about where I am headed and too much need to use my talents for that.

Anyway, have a look at this on Jade Mountains. Much teaching in that I think.

As there seems to be no work coming my way I plan to spend the summer working at Findhorn, if I can get things to work out that way. We are not without some power to direct the flow of our life and I can't think of any more favorable way to flow than spending the time working in an environment I like. No need to be clever here about flow, time and all that, just need to be engaging with it; 'a day without work is a day without food' and all that.

Returning?

I've just had to re-format my CV and re-send it off to the agency that I am using to find a bit of work. I have always had and still have, a dislike of preparing my CV. The whole thing gives me that wanting it done before I start feeling; I do not want to be doing it. What is all that about? At bottom I guess it's the pulling together from any number of stories and the general pool of information some kind of engrossing, wow look at this synopsis of my working life. This inevitably is not right for every potential employer and in any case I've never been much good at the embroidering seemingly so popular in these things. Ach, I don't want to think about it...

And do I want to be returning to the construction industry? I've mixed views. I love the getting things done, the creativity, but the masks, the games, they are not always worn and played so well. The very worst of capitalism and the Western yang approach seem to be most at home in the construction industry that I've known. That said, I've also known some real care and camaraderie with those I've worked along side.

Well, we'll see what comes long. The break I've had from the industry over the last five months or so has been quite a challenge forcing me to look within. Any return to the industry will be from this place. It's not the first time I've withdrawn, a step back. I notice this on Jade Mountains and I would say:

Going away
returning makes the old new

But I don't think it's just a case of a fresh pair of eyes on old ground that I should pursue work wise. The ground probably should have a tweak too.

We'll see.

Herculean efforts

Over recent weeks and in particular over the weekend I have seen those working around me making herculean efforts and to great effect. Long hours, often cold, wet, heavy work. For others long hours much responsibility and much need for skill in managing people. And today I heard someone with back and hand pain say 'pain is all in the mind'. The same man remains calm under stress and is hard working, reliable, thorough, capable and trust worthy. And the thought crossed my mind 'he may well have a more zen like approach than I'. Of course it's only a snap shot; who really can tell where they yet alone others stand. Best to avoid unnecessary judgements. But I take my hat off to those around me.