Monday 12 January 2009

Brighter

Navel inspections reveal uncertain results; if by tomorrow there is no definite improvement from the TCP and Daktarin it will need to be taken to the doctor. And how am I to use that wonderful expression- 'in myself'? Quite well, quite well. At some point today I realised that I felt brighter. Is it a sense of the days lengthening? Some malaise seems to have lifted a bit. Mental or physical? Well now that's a fine line is it not?

Conversation with a friend yesterday about his feeling less depressed and wondering about his psychology and specifically looking for when 'it went wrong' got me thinking. It's tempting I think to review the past and the present and finding unsatisfactory elements to think something went wrong. I know I do this. I tend to think that there was a time in my teens when I shut down for close on ten years. But did I? Was I not doing my best? What else could I have done? What is it that I want now? What is the residual desire? What is the felt sense in this? And looking back was it not some time way before my teens that I thought 'oh no, don't like that, time to withdraw; 'ball home'? And did that not lead to the way things were later? And how exactly were things later? I have a pretty good handle on all that stuff; a very plausible story. Is it useful? I think working it through helped. And in the interest of opening I think it helps to keep peeling away the layers. But key in this I think is not to expect to get to some end point where it's all sorted. I guess there is always more and the answer is that there is no answer, just keep opening up to the way it is and don't get wrapped up in the thoughts too much. This seems to be working for me.

In the interest of peeling away the layers and because I am interested and that gives me aliveness I am off to the Findhorn foundation to do a course by the Psychosynthesis & Education Trust in February. I am looking forward to this, but I guess it will be intensive so I want to be fit. Oops, there's a want. Tricky isn't it?

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