What am I doing

How much do/can we change? And when did we become the way we are? I am trying to be as much as I might be. Not as much as I can do, not tick off achievements. No, as open and aware of my position as I can be. And this is about freedom and aliveness. So I have to spot the habits that are not helpful and drop them. Except I can't just drop them; I need to move to more skillful alternatives. I have heard DC say on more than one occasion that we don't change we just get more the same. Umm. That might be the difference between a life with or without a spiritual practice; to take (goalless) aim at Self or just plough on with self. And there is the hard bit; I have my historic self, my karma and that is my starting point for any (aim to) move forward. I can only do what I can do. I think that to say I can only be what I am requires that I consider the (philosophical) question of being. I am trying to be as much as I might be so I consider the question. The way I put this to myself at the moment is 'what am I doing? Is this what needs to be done?' The need bit is where the question expands hugely into what I understand, believe want etc. It would start to get circular without some external input. Fortunately life comes along and makes demands and tai chi, reading Buddhist text and sitting zazen all provide new input.

I started this post yesterday but I couldn't get it to gel so I left it at the above paragraph. Then I came across one of DC's books on consciousness by Susan Blackmore. (DC has been looking at consciousness for sometime now and is pulling together various papers, books and conferences on the subject from a music perspective.) Blackmore lectured in psychology and has practiced meditation since the 1980's so I was interested to see the book. I read with interest the last two chapters; Meditation and mindfulness and Buddhism and consciousness. Ah, I thought; will she look at bridging the Eastern spiritual traditions and Western scientific method? Will Western psychology be compared and contrasted with Buddhism. Will the question of reality be investigated? Will she have a view on the significance of enlightenment experiences? I don't like voicing that last question, at least not as such; it seems so crude. Any way, yes, those questions are raised. There is of course no grand unifying theory pulling this little lot into the answer of course. No, we each have to do that for our selves I suppose. And here Blackmore gives a useful reminder- Zen requires 'great doubt'. Ah yes; get perplexed and keep asking, keep waking up. Now I've got the post to gel and yes I had the right title I just forgot the right expectation; I forgot that it's not about getting it all to gel.