Sad

DC arrived safely home yesterday. I wanted to be pleased and exited to see him and when I picked him up from the airport he was clearly exited to see me. But I have been angry with him and I couldn't find an open position. And I hated feeling that way. It all came out and spoiled his home coming and we both ended up feeling bad. I am still sad. No temper was lost; the emotion just oozed out.

I am sad because I was not overwhelmingly pleased to see him. Why have I been so angry with him for going away. Clearly we can't live in each others pockets. I guess it is because I feel a bit used and that is why I could not just pick up the feelings of joy to be together. How much have I missed him? Not sure. I try to just accept whatever comes along so I have not allowed my self to get all down about his being away and there is always plenty to do. So why used? What is this ego trip about? And if I try to empty out ego where possible where is the truth in enjoying the nice things? Clearly I have not emptied out the egotism in this; I was angry.

The whole business points to attachment; how, where, to what, when, blah blah, I don't know. And unpicking it, accepting it and opening to my own good fortune is at present but an aspiration. He's back and he is lovely but I feel just awful and he will not be as happy as if I had been able to get in an open frame of mind yesterday.

I really struggle sometimes (not often) with finding the right place to be; I'll see the unpleasant emotion, try to be more open but can't find what seems right.

I started writing this at the start of the day. It's evening now and things are softening. We've been to town and then for a meal with friends. I am surrounded by much warmth as I knew yesterday. Strange how knowing does not always immediately blow away the irrational.