Harmony

The real challenge I think is getting a balance between things. Yin and Yang in harmony in ones life. And upon reflection the most salient for me recently is the balance between acceptance and goal. Of course given sufficient wisdom one would see and accept what needs to be done and the goals would form and dissolve as part of the flow. But I've not seen them clearly for quite some time now and the desire to be involved in something which both takes and thus gives me energy is pressing. Hence the plan to spend time exploring community life.

The universe desires to be, to express multiple forms all shifting. The ultimate of its being, beyond knowing, the formless, might be deduced by reason and even glimpsed by the very few but 'life as we know it Jim' is in the interaction of forms. Chop wood carry water.

I wonder just what it is I should be doing. Ouch, there's the S word; should.

Monday

Well, first day of 'not working' today. And it feels quite good. Gym, meditation, bread making, off to take part in a rehearsal for an installation this evening and I realise that I do indeed need to 'come down' before going up to Scotland. As my dad said at the weekend, 'Just the start of an other phase'.



I've still got a head full of stuff, but that's to be expected.

Started writing this Monday, and now it's Tuesday. Time passes.

Last day and all that

Friday 25th was my last day at Carillion. I'd enjoyed a fun and love filled leaving meal out on Thursday night and Friday brought a card and generous leaving gift. No bridges were burnt with 'the management' and the time was a strange mix of emotions. What shone out for me was the warmth, the Buddha nature of people radiating through the layers of karmic dust. All viewed of course through my own karmic dust. And if the corporate culture helped foster rather than stifle that then I might have stayed. But the shinning light so evident during my leaving night out and goodbye is being far too heavily obscured by the that culture.

Then in the afternoon a call from my parents needing help. I in turn called upon others and by close of play on Saturday all was just about sorted. And the asking and receiving, the giving and taking as ever brought opportunity for purpose and connection. Yet whilst I felt more warmth in my dealings with those others I asked for help, with my parents I am afraid that I let slip the opportunity for warmth and just felt myself slip into anger at being drawn into a parenting roll just when I needed to withdraw and reflect on the day. And so my inner critic had a great time throwing his weight around in every direction. Complex stuff, too many emotions to deal with at a time. And of course the main 'back ground noise' to daily life at the moment is full of emotion. Having been feeling stuck, motionless, I've loosened the ties and now know not what motion and where it will lead. Hence mixed emotion. You can imagine the raw feeling by bed time. Called my parents this morning; all seems well. But they are tired, they have had too much on their plates over the years. I try to do my best for them.

I feel more relaxed today. I will soon be starting Exploring Community Life (ECL) and after that probably Living in Community as a Guest (LCG). So that's a plan for the next couple of months, after that I don't have a plan.

School

My mother was telling DC and I about a little boy who had just started school. He's not happy and keeps asking why he is being punished by being sent to school. 'I am too small to go, why are you punishing me?' He is, apparently very upset. My mother had consoled the boy's mother saying that she knew all about it, I'd been just the same, it took the fist two years until I stopped being extremely distressed. I felt for him. And of course it's likely that he has a rocky road ahead. He would probably be better off in a Steiner school, but that's no doubt off radar for his family... I hope he finds a way to be himself and be happy and before too long, may the road be kind.

Talking this morning with DC he recalled the conversation with my mother. He said that upon hearing of my distress in those early school years he realised that most of the time we've been together I've been trying to find a way to individuation in the Jungian sense. A rocky road it has been in that respect at times. And where is the road now taking me? Any way, a thought for the boy, may he find his way soon, may he grow to express the universe's desire to be in the fullest way he can and in adulthood may his inner child be happy.

Film

Well, I could write all sorts of stuff about how I feel and the various interactions with people at work and where do I think I am going and blah blah but anyway...

We went to the Star and Shadow cinema this evening and saw Sita Sings the Blues. Follow the link / arrange to see it; it's good.

Resignation

I resigned from my job today. I just felt that I was wasting my time and that it was not doing me any good. So, the plan is to spend some time living in community as a guest at Findhorn. Time will tell if this is wise. I am looking forward to spending time in a work department being of service. It should be enjoyable and good for me. I want to take the time to consider my life. It's both scary and exciting and yes, I feel a mixture of relief and 'what the f*** have I done'. But to be honest the choice was starting to make its self; I just could not go on being so unproductive.

And in the long run, what then? Well, I have a rough plan to be back in employment in the construction industry is about six months. But we'll just have to see. Just for today, I'll stick with this day.

I have four weeks notice to work.

Connection

Last week was the first back at work after our week on Iona staying at the Findhorn retreat house Traigh Bhan. Both DC and I had a peaceful and very enjoyable time. The house is lovely and in a wonderful location and it was good to share it with the other guests and of course to spend time with Niels who I know from his Gay Man's Inner Journey workshop which I did in May. We also visited Tina a friend I made back in February on the essentials of psychosynthesis course. Tina has just had a baby and lives on Erraid. DC and I very much enjoyed our visit and it was good to catch up with Tina and meet her husband Paul, his son and the new baby.

I did a few odd jobs at Traigh Bhan; a bit of plumbing to a water filter, new WC seats (which were bought by Niels during GMIJ) and replacement of a door bolt. It was also fun to clear the path of sheep poo so we would tread in less on our return in the dark from the céilidh on the Monday night. The house is located in a farmer's field and not served by a paved surface once the road from the village to the farm is left. Visitor's luggage is transported on a hand cart which everyone helps pull. There are two carts at the house but one was broken as it had lost the retaining screw and nylon bush to one of the wheels. Unable to resist such a challenge I inspected the wheels; a replacement bush was required to replace the lost one. I brought the one from the other side home and checked on the net. No luck; all the wrong size. Found that the place I was thinking of which sold such things has closed. I went to see my dad; did he still know anyone that could make one and a thrust washer, I asked and gave him the bush I'd brought back. 'Leave it with me'. That was Monday, Tuesday morning he called. 'The lad's just dropped the bush in.' It and the washer were spot on and I posted all the parts back to Neils. Took a call on Thursday from Niels to say that he received them on Iona on Wednesday! The whole thing seems such a delight.

I went out with dad on Wednessday night and met a lad that has had a tough time and been helped by dad and his mates in the pub. Again, so good that caring help has been given just because that is what is required. Buddha nature.

DC enjoyed Iona and I could see the 'Findhorn thing' working on him...

So, having sat with the way things have been and the need to move out of the rut I seem to have fallen into I have decided that I really do want to spend a bit more time at Findhorn in a work department doing something and not just sleep walking through life at my current job. So, I plan to delay starting the foundation year in psychosynthesis and arranging a little sabbatical. It's both scary and exciting but I feel I must do something...