Mmm

 This morning I noticed I was tired, it could have been that the smoke alarm had a false alarm at 5am, presumably pollen and dust since the windows have been open  all summer... Or was it Monday's EMDR? It's possible that one of the biggest aspects of experience in those pre-coming out years was the shear exhaustion, gradually accumulated. Or perhaps not... It's all too easy to imagine connecting with some great fear, or other such powerful emotion. But maybe what is sitting there is too tired to feel much of anything. Or perhaps not... Nice lunch with a friend then off to a personal training session followed by a bit more working out in the gym. Certainly tired now! Tiredness is all too easily seen as insufficiency of available resource but in fact it is the in breath before and after the out breath. Back in those pre-coming out years with the mind so tightly wrapped around the body, I wonder... was it possible to fully breathe? Certain triggers in the present feel like little electric shocks, weights or tiny daggers at the chest... A breath is taken and slowly puffed out through pursed lips. The body's parasympathetic impulse. In a physical workout  it's important not to restrict the breath. It wasn't so clear back in the day that putting one foot in front of the other was a workout. Or perhaps not... And how often did I feel the alarm of hyper-vigilance go off? That's edgy. Or perhaps not... Tired and unknowing. Or perhaps not. In this process is anything loosened in the present or does the finger run around the rim scoring it deeper into the groove? It feels pathetic, what am I doing.  Is this the feel of then or now? Again, knowing is out of range. The future may show. All this is but shimmer through the day, a day mostly fine and enjoyable. Like those days putting one foot in front of the other...?

The sun had burnt away the clouds by mid- morning, just about the time the bin men followed by the window cleaner had been and gone and as I sat zazen. Then I folded my zabuton and put it aside with the zafu on top. It is good to be sitting more regularly again.  There was temptation to push, to look for something, insight from yesterday's EMDR... or something in the itchy scratchy feeling. Things aren't as I'd like and I'm not getting them under control... or is it me? This is zazen, just sit, if it needs to arrise it will, and then pass. The clouds of thought and pushing and looking moved through, the 30 minute timer elapsed. Mmm, itchy scratchy. Maybe I'll write something playful before going out to lunch. Feeling a bit tired. Maybe I'll write something playful and fun. But it wasn't happening. Time to go... Walking in the shade as much as possible- realy, in the UK? Hot, but wonderful cool air. Lunch, gym, home, writing... what? Tired this morning.