Connection

My post Findhorn blues are clearing with renewed connection to a number of people.
I have lessons to learn. Funny, writing that I recall my (recurrent) dream of being back at school and having lost the timetable and missing lessons. Ummm...

Listening to what I 'know' is so difficult. I really need to concentrate to decipher the meaning.

Connection is that what is screaming to be heard?

Authentic

I try to be authentic in each post and reflect what I seem to be with at the time. I try not to censor though I might be 'telegraphic'.

Just now I am with stuff too personal to post to the world. And this throws up all sorts of questions about attachment and practice. And I am also surprised I think by what I am feeling, I seem to have opened up a well of emotion.

It will pass.

Complex emotion

I had got round to thinking that I had some reasonable level of awareness of my thoughts and emotions and could get back to equanimity quite quickly when things started ruffling me. Paha. I find I seem much improved with the quick flashes of emotion but I see that life has more complex waves of emotion that can entwine with thoughts all too quickly. How complex we humans are. How hard it is to just ride the wave. And yet there is no problem, all is well. I just don't feel that way. Silly attachments and forgetting to be awake to just how lucky I am are no doubt making me feel this way. And of course it all passes.

Thriving

A new frame come to my attention yesterday; 'thriving'. I think of frames as ways in which the unity having given rise to us takes a step further and lets us see something. Bits of unity folding over its self to create and reveal.

So, what was the concept of thriving able to reveal to me yesterday? Well, I placed the notion against some of my recollections of my past (that constantly reinvented story) and considered was I thriving (or thwarted) back then? And I saw that at painful times, times for which I have subsequently tried to work out an explanation, I was not thriving and that was painful or at least the recollection is associated with pain.

Repression either by others or one's self whilst useful can go too far and thus prevent thriving. And I see that some of my anger has been a reaction to subjugation; repression by others gone way too far so as to prevent thriving.

To thrive seems to be an expression of generation, creation, aliveness. Trisna (tanha)? We desire to be or rather the unity folds or unfolds to express. To let one's ego get wrapped up in this is to suffer but to let one's ego or an others ego repress this is also to suffer. And this points I think to our attachments and how complex and deep they run, because we repress because we are attached to something. This is complex, no wonder we can take a life time (and more) to see our way through it, to truly thrive and to Wake up! and Pay attention!

Control

I am processing lots of stuff just now. I am gearing up for more focused study, change at work, working through the sub-conscious stuff bubbling up from last week, dealing with the inevitable separation from the connections of last week (even though many connections will continue to flourish it is always hard to leave Cluny and return to the big wide world) and of course remembering to sit with all this being present but not lost in it. The nourishment of last week is long digested and steadily released.

I am also aware that I want to attend a retreat at Throssel Hole Abbey. The main difficulty I have with this is the shared sleeping accommodation. I think my need for private space is a very deep attachment. Of course if I am not trying to shoehorn the retreat in to limited free time then I will not be tired and so this is less of an issue, which points to how I guard my self. Sleep is a surrendering to loss of control. So it's not surprising that someone with a control freak sub-personality likes to have his own room! Which shows how deep attachments can run.

New

I sense things changing and that I am putting more energy into being in the world. I have realised for some time now that I was watching for attachments and sort of holding energy back. It's a fine balance I think. I do hope I can get forms to their 'best' and remain 'aware' of emptiness. Routing out the attachments and giving as much to life as I can.

Right

First day back to work after last week's course, I saw my new line manager and explained what I would like to do. He was supportive! He will need to consider things and company policy but I feel that I have taken my recent decision to train in Psychosythesis to heart and it it right! Practicalities need to be sorted and it is unwise to get carried away but I feel I am getting focus in my life around this.

As I write I am aware of those that may read and the significance of making statements. I can only trust that my head and heart are in balance on this.

I'll need to take care to watch out for attachments in various forms over the coming weeks. I'll need the wisdom of my bodymind.