What to do?

I've been back in Newcastle for over a week now and I am still missing Cluny. A few potential work leads come up but very little. How do I feel about work? I need to be involved and doing but when I look at the job descriptions and think of what it is likely to be like... my heart sinks. I am seriously drawn to a long term commitment to the Findhorn community. Am I really thinking this? Me!? Can I find a job and build a life here that feels fulfilling? Going to live in community throws away a lot. Separating out fantasy, desire and deep longing is not easy.

Despite all this I am ok. I'll give the work thing here a bit longer and if nothing resolves then the time may yet come to go and live in community for awhile.

Reviewing posts I see a certain flavor over the past year or so coming through. I am not sure if this reflects the full story of my life over that time, more the parts that seemed 'blogable' and even then often the posts are highly condensed, telegraphic in nature. It's often just using the post to see if the words feel true; true enough to stand for the whole web to see.

Wounding

Just what was it last night that took me to such a dark angry space. One person in the assembled company became the focus of several 'button pressing' areas, a constellation of sore spots, deep wounds. I sat with it able to watch, to acknowledge but all too soon I was becoming; the limit of my containment at that time reached. Going to bed that vile pain of fresh anger scabbing over old wounds, fear lashing out, tender heart fled to perceived safety. And this morning biter the grief. Last night in bed searching for the wounds which are the root of all this and again today staring at the scaring; layers, as the scab gets torn time and again. Pain body feeding. Familiar themes of (perceived?) rejection and isolation.

I'll need to spend time opening out the patterns and looking for the lessons; the wisdom to heal the sore places. What will I need to let go, what will I need to accept?

Stories, stories, mind spun stories...

Acceptance

After a full and somewhat surprising day yesterday I listened to Mahler V before going to sleep. With soft sweet tears of who knows what I felt that same gentle longing to 'go home' in the spiritual sense that The lark ascending also gives rise to in me. I listened to The lark and again the feeling was there. No bitterness or depressive desperation, just a sense of the source, home yet not home. And then I thought of life and all that it affords... It had been a strange day... We come out of the void to be, to know... and it is good.

It rained heavily during the night and this morning the maintenance shed roof was leaking. We adjusted ourselves around the puddles and drips to share and tune-in before work. The bucket was always in the wrong place. I recalled a zen koan and told it;

'As the roof was leaking the master asked two monks to fetch something. One returned with a bucket the other a basket. The first was reprimanded the second praised.'

Klass who has been here for years said 'Yes, just accept it.'

I note my angel for today is acceptance. And today it seems almost easy. I seem to be in the middle of life again, which even if challenging feels so much better than when it or I seemed stuck.

Missing Dave

I am missing Dave! He was here last week and it was great. A bit difficult (to balance all the different aspects of being here) but great.

I am keeping busy, which is also great and tiring. It seems like much longer than five weeks since I left Newcastle to come up here. I am feeling ready for the peace of my own space that home is all about. But I also know that I need to have useful meaningful work...

I've not been posting much and that's because I have not felt the need to do so. That's probably because of the sharing we all do here at the start of each morning and afternoon.

Time to dash - afternoon shift is just about to start...

Great doing

Well, it's a while since my last post. It is just over two weeks since I traveled up here to Cluny. I was here for four nights and as well as preparing for the next week I helped out in maintenance dept. before traveling (starting at 4-30AM!) to Traigh Bhan the Findhorn Foundation retreat house on Iona. I had a great week on Iona, working with Niels (the custodian of Traigh Bhan) during 'working week', replacing double glazing units and doing other joinery and misc. work. What joy to be in such a wonderful place doing useful work I enjoy with great people! Erica (one of the Iona group) was cooking for us and it was great to get to know her; the three of us were a great team and we all enjoyed a joyous grace filled week together putting back into the beautiful Traigh Bhan. Some of the glazing units are just short of 6 foot by 2 foot and quite a challenge to handle but Niels and I were in a wonderful harmony with each other and so even managed a bit of humorous exchange which naturally eased the tension of working with large, heavy, fragile items in difficult access conditions on a remote island. There were many wonderful times during that week and much was done. The joyous connection we all shared is truly special and extended out to include Dave and Ian (Neils' partner).

I returned here last Saturday and I am now once more with maintenance dept. using my skills and being useful, which is a joy. Dave is due to come up here a week Sunday and will stay for a week at Erica's, which is great. I still have no idea how long to stay here for, but that will become more clear I guess over the next couple of weeks.

Since coming here I've had so much opportunity to express my talents and skills and to connect, which has really made me feel alive again, which is a good way to feel on the eve of my 43rd birthday. A day without work is indeed a day without food.

Flowing on

I've not been doing very much at all lately and it's no good for me! I am just not cut out for being idle. And there is no spiritual 'progress' in it for me at present either. Oh, that's not true, the time has been teaching, what I meant was that I've not been able to get in to deep states of inner peace! No, too much uncertainty about where I am headed and too much need to use my talents for that.

Anyway, have a look at this on Jade Mountains. Much teaching in that I think.

As there seems to be no work coming my way I plan to spend the summer working at Findhorn, if I can get things to work out that way. We are not without some power to direct the flow of our life and I can't think of any more favorable way to flow than spending the time working in an environment I like. No need to be clever here about flow, time and all that, just need to be engaging with it; 'a day without work is a day without food' and all that.

Rose

I've not posted much of late; I've felt stuck and without much to say.

But the rose plant featured in this post is looking quite splendid now and the other day when Dave came into my study (where I've moved the rose so as to be by a sunny window) I noted his intake of breath. Then I got the following in an e-mail from him:

'My love - thank you for bringing our rose back to life. It took my breath away, and triggered a memory of these words, which - coincidentally? - also echo with my memories of traigh bhan and the song that Niels loves to dance to. The rose is what pulls it all together. D xxx


We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always –
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flames are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one.

T.S. Eliot
Little Gidding'

I went to see Tim Pickles in Keswick on Monday. I am till resisting not knowing what to do, but again, like in February, a shift into accepting that things are as they need to be is sort of there. Spring seems to be here and I need to play!