Yes

I am a bit sleepy; lots of processing going on in my mind just now. Back at my usual siting place in zazen this morning much monkey mind. It is to be expected, I have decided that I want to pursue a career change; psychosynthesis seems to bring the western psychology and eastern non-dualistic religions together in a way that fits my thinking. Will this move me away from zen practice and into some soft colourful ego enhancing alternative? I think not. That to me would be a betrayal of what I have come to value.

So, I will need to do some negotiating with my employers. Now I feel that I am bringing private studies and future opportunities together. I am cautious about running away with myself but I feel this move is right. In my heart I want to eat this rice. My inner child, parent and adult seem in agreement on this.

Gaining direction

I am excited by this course. It's a balanced excitement, a calm enthusiasm. I am interested in the content and the connections. I feel at home with the approach and the direction. This is the sort of work I want to do, not just with my self but with others.

I feel I need to take a step, a leap in this direction. This is what I feel I am with.

Gaining direction, umm. I feel that's not quite right. Is it clarity of opportunity?

Travel

Just finishing packing for the trip to Forres and next weeks Essentials of Psychosynthesis course. I hope the travel is ok given the snowy weather we have been having!
I feel a little anxious; the journey and the change at work. Also maybe a bit concerned that my practice is not yet developed enough for me to keep my equanimity during the adaption to the new work situation. So, we will see how all this develops as it all moves on.

Choice

I was thinking that I was sitting with thoughts of aversion, doubt and questions about the nature and meaning of the Will. What am I with just now?

Then I notice a picture on the wall. DC got it as a birthday present for me almost ten yeas ago. It is one of a set taken for an article in Gay Times in which I featured along with five other guys. The article was about gay men in the construction industry. Stop right there with the stereotype fantasy! I haven't bought a copy of Gay Times for years now but I dug out the copy of the magazine I'd kept and read the article; people trying to deal as honestly with their life as they can. At some point the heart knows. People trying to square the circle. And of course life squares the circle even if we think we can't; I recall the koan which inspired the title of this blog (Mumonkan, Case 5, Kyogen's 'Man up in a Tree' ). I also note that the campaign to get rid of section 28 is there. I understand that things are much more enlightened in school relationship lessons now than back in the 80's. The position of homosexuals in Britain is so different now to what it was ten years ago. I never fought battles or campaigns for this I just kept living as honestly as I could and it was tricky at times.

The tricky thing about practice I think is not just attention, loosening attachment and breaking free of one's ego shell it's gaining enough wisdom to know what one should do next or rather now. Am I working with attachments / aversion or listening to my inner parent? What is in my heart now?

Ah

We've just watched a repeat showing of Early Doors. I think this is great stuff. I checked Wikipedia and found: 'where daily life revolves around the issues of love, loneliness and blocked urinals.' Comedy at its best.

Contrast

Through contrast we see.

I managed not to slide the car over the unseen ice in to the bollard (just). The snowy weather makes it feel all the warmer indoors. And nice not to have to deal with car repairs.

We had friends around for dinner last night and as one of them recalled today, it was so dynamic.

My inner child is not without the play he needs and the bowl is starting to get washed. Not clearly seen but I keep trying to wake up.

Jangled

Well, we saw Slumdog millionaire last night. I came out feeling jangled and raw. We then went to a noisy bar and left soon after as I was finding it unpleasant. By the time we got home I was more jangled and this morning I am only just settling.

I found the movie a powerful vehicle to convey suffering. It brought to mind those fearless Bodhisattva. Checking on Wikipedia I note protests about "poverty porn" and "slum voyeurism". I was starting to feel sick.