And when?!

I don't write here now. I think about it from time to time - thoughts pass through the old monkey mind and some times it's less monkey and more rational- but on balance I doubt anyone is reading and since it is all too easy to just bleat and with no real benefit, silence seems to be as well. HOWEVER, after an exasperating time this last few days listening to the sheer garbage spewed out of our appalling government in the light of the riots (they have now arrested over eleven hundred people) and with a sense of frustration that those who patiently try to explain that the problem is due to the fragmentation caused by commercialism, throwing everything to 'the market' and the full out working of late capitalism, simply will not be listened to, I am now, hopefully without ranting, throwing in my (predictable) two peneth worth. The problem is thirty odd years of what has come to be known as Thatcherism! Major and Blair just followed the same path. Now the full scale loony right are in full swing, the world economic system is in a complete mess, bankers are a protected elite - we don't see them rounded up and the justice system running overtime to bring them to book- we are facing huge environmental issues and still we are told we need to grow the economy! It's the economy stupid. Yes, but it needs managed contraction and humanity not money put at the centre. Money has become the end and not the means. Purpose, connection, validation through being part of something bigger than ones self and stability have all been swept away in an crazy chase for economic growth. A growth based upon debt. And a debt not just financial but more importantly environmental, psychological and spiritual. Bored, alienated, disenfranchised groups with no experience of what it is to be a part of something and put in creative effort to build something of real value ie use not monetary value have once again flared up. It is no surprise.

Reading the connections and inspiration page from the Findhorn foundation website today I see this:

Eileen Caddy's Daily Guidance

Guidance for 13 August

Learn to think and feel for others, to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Learn to understand and enter fully into their lives and hearts, pouring out love and understanding to them, thereby banishing all criticism, judgement and condemnation. Realise that love transforms and transmutes all bitterness and hatred and that understanding opens up hearts that have been closed and have remained cold and unresponsive. Put into practice in your life those words, "Resist not evil but overcome evil with good." It is easier said than done, but until it is done and lived, there cannot be peace and goodwill to all humanity. These words have been heard, read and preached down the ages, but they have not been lived; that is why there are wars, destruction, evil and hatred in the world. It will go on until humanity learns to live a life and not just talk about it, learns to make these wonderful words live and vibrate in everyday life.

It's not easy to be expansive enough to hold Cameron et al in my heart. And just as the most compassionate response to someone trying to beat you up is often a self defensive strike back, it's time we all took time to reflect upon just who is beating up whom.

Good night, sleep well.

I've well got out of the blog habit but the following seemed worth a post.

I've been back at Cluny as well as Iona, Newcastle, Cambridge and back here at Cluny again. Tonight I found out that the last thing the night porter does is to meditate for a short time in the sanctuary; a blessing on the house. H0w lovely, a bit like being tucked up in bed by a parent, prays said.

Good TV

I've got completely out of the habit of blogging, but after watching Human Planet I was inspired to post - such spirit in the peoples shown in this program. Then I watched Outnumbered; once again such spirit and great humour! TV at its best.

In gassho.

Night out

I've not felt like posting of late. But last night I went out for a drink with some ex work colleagues and then joined them (unexpectedly) for a meal. There was a lot of warmth there, partly on the surface but more at a deeper unspoken level. At the surface some of the interaction was typical of a 'night out' and through all that shone and at times I could see a bright light.

Kindness

I was just telling my mother about seeing Joanna to return the Ladybird book (see last posting). Joanna had expressed to me how kind she had always found my mother, all those years ago when we lived close by. My mother tonight expressed further warm memories regarding Joanna and told how Joanna had dug up four rose bushes from her garden and brought them down to us one Christmas morning as a gift; one each. I recall them planted in the small front garden in front of the bay window of our rented ground floor flat. In the telling came over a warmth and humanity I have failed to convey above.

Throwing stuff out

Yesterday I did some serious 'life laundry' going through loads of financial paper work stuff; tax, pensions and 'investments'. I say 'investments', note the quotation marks; at the moment it all seems worth slightly less than it cost to buy! I've been putting off a proper sort through a heap of pension statement stuff for years; just shoving each incomprehensible piece of correspondence to the end of a pile in a carrier bag. I hate all that stuff. They all say the same; '...this is what you might get [but it's any ones guess if you will]... markets... up... down...' Basically this correspondence is not worth the paper it's written on except it is required to comply with the rules to 'protect' the industry... Ugh. Eventually I reduced it all down to the latest statements etc and after throwing out all the original bumf the pile comes down to a few sheets. Quite satisfying! Moving on with this in to other papers; redundant instruction manuals, school certificates, old training course notes etc., etc., I have the thought, particularly when looking through stuff that the inland revenue might ask me to reproduce, that a self, a history is at least as real as all this! One can't just bin it all; the tax man will have his way, I do need to keep P11D and P60 forms, he may yet send an other tax return! But also a sense of the redundant; past financial projections, forgotten manuals for equipment which has been thrown away... Life now moved on from then. A mix then between junk, and the 'reality' of earning a living and keeping the tax man happy.

Then on a more human level an old school photo and and old Ladybird book about electricity. I recall how things seemed for me when that photo was taken and I don't think it's just projection that I can see it in the eyes of the little kid; uncertainty. I looked in the book, it used to be my favorite, I loved anything to do with electricity, inside is written 'To David, love from Joanna. 1973' I would have been six years old. Joanna is the mother of a school class mate and she is still alive; I decided to return the book to her so she could reconnect with giving it.

Today I looked at the book, the school picture and the now tidied financial stuff and I could feel little David having traveled that journey from six to forty three; clear inner child connection. What a lovely light in the world and all of us have such light. And I recall this post and having returned once more from Cluny I again find that I miss it or rather the the rhythms of life and the people there.

What to do?

I've been back in Newcastle for over a week now and I am still missing Cluny. A few potential work leads come up but very little. How do I feel about work? I need to be involved and doing but when I look at the job descriptions and think of what it is likely to be like... my heart sinks. I am seriously drawn to a long term commitment to the Findhorn community. Am I really thinking this? Me!? Can I find a job and build a life here that feels fulfilling? Going to live in community throws away a lot. Separating out fantasy, desire and deep longing is not easy.

Despite all this I am ok. I'll give the work thing here a bit longer and if nothing resolves then the time may yet come to go and live in community for awhile.

Reviewing posts I see a certain flavor over the past year or so coming through. I am not sure if this reflects the full story of my life over that time, more the parts that seemed 'blogable' and even then often the posts are highly condensed, telegraphic in nature. It's often just using the post to see if the words feel true; true enough to stand for the whole web to see.