I was musing earlier that I often think of things and the self as an array of axes, sort of at varying planes to each other sort of like the straws in the KerPlunk game my brother and I had when we were kids. Various dialectical relationships and interconnectedness, a sort cloud of points connected by... well you get the idea; a sort of visualisation of Buddhist interdependent arising with a bit of Taoism I suppose. And more importantly that if I could get sufficient spaciousness of mind that it would all fall into place and like pulling out the straws in the game - KerPlunk, it all makes perfect sense and I am liberated. (Gosh, might even be a sort of enlightenment.) What a trap, how cunning the mind is at finding ways to have control, some thing to grasp on to. But it does sort of help, the trick is probably to recognise that expectation of the marbles dropping and drop it.
It was a lovely sunny day today.
Monday, 20 April 2009
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Developing form
Back from a weeks holiday with DC in Devon. I kept a few very short notes while away as a summary of what I seemed to be with, in summary it boils down a sense that I have been and remain negligent in expanding my life to be all that is possible and all this tied tightly with my OCD, which I see is not quite as residual as I have for years assumed.
Looking back at my past I am aware that I have all sorts of emotions about who I recall that I was. Now unpicking this is difficult; not only is it a question of sub-personalities and dis-identification in the present, but this as a rolling development through time. Where to find the position to stand? Can I be compassionate with myself now for struggling with my recollected self(s), can I find a way to locate each of the selfs I recall and give the vestige (is that the word) that I now have in this self the support laking (as I perceive it now) at the time of that self? Standing back, dis-identifying with all this, becoming the watcher I see as ever, that I still approach from a position. It's no easy thing to give a 'no answer' to the koan, so my patterns continue and some aspect of me watches.
Of course the koan is answered, life flows on, I was/am and will be at each moment all that is possible for me; I like everyone else am always doing my best. Star dust made conscious looks back at its self and in its limited view defined by the forms available finds gaps. Gaps between what it can imagine might have been, might be, was, is, might be. Life flows into gaps, the constant out of balance giving rise to our experience else there would be no change and thus no life.
Developing form, sex, life force, spirit, time and death. The missing one from the list, the one that summarises the others in a way; OCD, which is, I think just the great grasping for control, the denial of our ultimate loss of form, the accepting and denial of death.
And for the most part the weather was fine and I caught the sun and so did DC. The leaves are coming out and the spring is springing. Late now; time for bed, work tomorrow. If I had more time to write this I'd unpick through the emotions and try to be more honest.
Looking back at my past I am aware that I have all sorts of emotions about who I recall that I was. Now unpicking this is difficult; not only is it a question of sub-personalities and dis-identification in the present, but this as a rolling development through time. Where to find the position to stand? Can I be compassionate with myself now for struggling with my recollected self(s), can I find a way to locate each of the selfs I recall and give the vestige (is that the word) that I now have in this self the support laking (as I perceive it now) at the time of that self? Standing back, dis-identifying with all this, becoming the watcher I see as ever, that I still approach from a position. It's no easy thing to give a 'no answer' to the koan, so my patterns continue and some aspect of me watches.
Of course the koan is answered, life flows on, I was/am and will be at each moment all that is possible for me; I like everyone else am always doing my best. Star dust made conscious looks back at its self and in its limited view defined by the forms available finds gaps. Gaps between what it can imagine might have been, might be, was, is, might be. Life flows into gaps, the constant out of balance giving rise to our experience else there would be no change and thus no life.
Developing form, sex, life force, spirit, time and death. The missing one from the list, the one that summarises the others in a way; OCD, which is, I think just the great grasping for control, the denial of our ultimate loss of form, the accepting and denial of death.
And for the most part the weather was fine and I caught the sun and so did DC. The leaves are coming out and the spring is springing. Late now; time for bed, work tomorrow. If I had more time to write this I'd unpick through the emotions and try to be more honest.
Thursday, 9 April 2009
Tide
I have a feeling that things are shifting a bit. Just the odd conversation, seeing links, options, that sort of thing. I feel lighter with it. But I am also aware that things are messy and even though I have tried to be sensitive to avoid causing suffering, I can see that I've not managed this. And there seems to be a natural flow of in and out, retreating and engaging , yin and yang to this. Maybe one way to look at authenticity is that one tries to be with this flow (as they say), not to get stuck in either yin or yang phases, and to remember whilst in each that it will pass and to try to avoid building walls or clinging to things against the tide. Emptiness in form. But as so often seems to be the case, the universe moves on at a pace slightly ahead of our keeping up and forms then seem to jar. And, to push the metaphor, it is not easy to see what is tide and what is just local turbulence that we do indeed need to protect our self from. So the waves can be battering but then that's to be expected; samsara, it's all fuel for practice I guess.
Tuesday, 7 April 2009
Monday, 6 April 2009
At the wheel
Pushing the sub-personality bus idea I notice that there is a tussle at the wheel; the playful child is bored and wants to drive, the parent is clearly most concerned about that, the copious and far to tricky to see but definitely felt crowd are still clinging on (and know they are at the root of most plans anyway) and the pragmatist applies correction as required. Of course this is par for the course but the driving is rough just now and the ride as seen by the self is less than it might be. Trouble is, the will is not clear. All this would be no problem if it wasn't for the feeling that the journey is at or past the average halfway mark and a more productive second half is hoped for. Mid-life stuff.
DC and I had a nice time in London over the weekend and met up with someone from my Essentials of Psychosynthesis week in Scotland. We also checked out the constructivist exhibition at Tate Modern. I found the work hollow, soulless. I thought of Japanese calligraphy attempting to portray emptiness and giving a rich sense of humanity so lacking in much of this exhibit.
We all need a language (in the broadest sense) with which to make our world. We need forms. I am not happy with the ones I have I guess, or at least what I am doing with them. I am trying to be so careful not to fall into grass is greener whilst balancing to avoid falling into complacency. This I reckon is the best way I can attempt authenticity.
DC has just had back copies of a consciousness journal delivered, our home is full of interesting things to read and there is so little time to read. DC pointed out an article the title of which includes 'the doors of perception', I guess it asks that question about religious experience as either seeing our true nature or states of mind in the material world. I've sort of found that one merging into two sides of the same coin and fading away... And I consider, just what do I hold as my yard stick when considering questions that lead to using phrases including words like; the unborn, karma, connection, intimacy... Intimacy brings up all sorts of practical questions about the form of ones life and the meaning and complexity of the term. The forms and depths of connection barley explored by the word seem manifold... Not just the (simple) erotic aspect of the red thread, but the much more subtle interplay of meaning and connection. We are all connected but the more immediate connection and direct communication...
Can I look at the depth of my existence and be the most without making awful mistakes and threatening immensely valuable parts of my and other people's life?
DC and I had a nice time in London over the weekend and met up with someone from my Essentials of Psychosynthesis week in Scotland. We also checked out the constructivist exhibition at Tate Modern. I found the work hollow, soulless. I thought of Japanese calligraphy attempting to portray emptiness and giving a rich sense of humanity so lacking in much of this exhibit.
We all need a language (in the broadest sense) with which to make our world. We need forms. I am not happy with the ones I have I guess, or at least what I am doing with them. I am trying to be so careful not to fall into grass is greener whilst balancing to avoid falling into complacency. This I reckon is the best way I can attempt authenticity.
DC has just had back copies of a consciousness journal delivered, our home is full of interesting things to read and there is so little time to read. DC pointed out an article the title of which includes 'the doors of perception', I guess it asks that question about religious experience as either seeing our true nature or states of mind in the material world. I've sort of found that one merging into two sides of the same coin and fading away... And I consider, just what do I hold as my yard stick when considering questions that lead to using phrases including words like; the unborn, karma, connection, intimacy... Intimacy brings up all sorts of practical questions about the form of ones life and the meaning and complexity of the term. The forms and depths of connection barley explored by the word seem manifold... Not just the (simple) erotic aspect of the red thread, but the much more subtle interplay of meaning and connection. We are all connected but the more immediate connection and direct communication...
Can I look at the depth of my existence and be the most without making awful mistakes and threatening immensely valuable parts of my and other people's life?
Thursday, 2 April 2009
Right action
Lovely night last night with two friends from work. To be open, soften ego shells and extend compassion is as much of an answer to the koan as I could ask.
With choice before me, and the (inevitable) waxing and waning of meaning(s) I have been if not lost then struggling to read the compass of my emotions this past month. Lining up with the true north of compassion should help me get better bearings. But I am not yet out of the woods.
With choice before me, and the (inevitable) waxing and waning of meaning(s) I have been if not lost then struggling to read the compass of my emotions this past month. Lining up with the true north of compassion should help me get better bearings. But I am not yet out of the woods.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Meaning
I am finding this a tough post to write. I am reviewing how I came to have chosen this koan. (By this I suppose I mean life as I see it now.) Choice is not the word.
I have come back to the search for meaning. For a while it was a search for emptiness. An emptiness so full that it would rid me of the fear of impermanence. But from the start I knew this was a dangerous attachment and loosened its grip. Anyway, it's all too obvious that I have far too many attachments to travel without purpose and meaning. So I review my values and my belief system, my world view. And this brings me to my connection with the Findhorn Foundation, my understanding and practice of Zen Buddhism and... And what? The relationship between the existential and the spiritual axis of being? Between self and Self? That might be one way to put it. But maybe I am being too dramatic.
Doing is an inseparable part of our being. I always approach my sitting place from a physical and what is more an intellectual / philosophical position. My intellectual understanding that 'I' is empty is only of partial value. But what to do? Do 'devil's eyes sprout...'? They have in the past, then less so (thankfully) and a few more again now.
I have freinds coming to dinner tonight.
I have come back to the search for meaning. For a while it was a search for emptiness. An emptiness so full that it would rid me of the fear of impermanence. But from the start I knew this was a dangerous attachment and loosened its grip. Anyway, it's all too obvious that I have far too many attachments to travel without purpose and meaning. So I review my values and my belief system, my world view. And this brings me to my connection with the Findhorn Foundation, my understanding and practice of Zen Buddhism and... And what? The relationship between the existential and the spiritual axis of being? Between self and Self? That might be one way to put it. But maybe I am being too dramatic.
Doing is an inseparable part of our being. I always approach my sitting place from a physical and what is more an intellectual / philosophical position. My intellectual understanding that 'I' is empty is only of partial value. But what to do? Do 'devil's eyes sprout...'? They have in the past, then less so (thankfully) and a few more again now.
I have freinds coming to dinner tonight.
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