Life force

As part of the volunteer work I've been doing I helped someone get a tenancy on a flat and thus get out of emergency accommodation. Looking around the flat I recalled similar local authority properties that my grandparents and other relatives lived in. I recalled the 'propellant' for my parents to buy their own house and my 'propellant' to shift from working to middle class life, although I still feel very connected to my roots. Apparently this flat had been occupied by an elderly woman who had lived there since it was built (I think in the 1950's or 60's). Later I looked at the keys; three sets one with a tag attached. On the tag was written 'Mam'. In to my focus came the loss for someone of their mother, clearing her home and returning the keys. I pictured for some reason a daughter and her loss... But I've no idea of the 'real' stories behind that key tag. And now new tenants will soon move into the flat; endings and beginnings...

My brother Mike (Michael) rang this morning; could I help with Ed's home work. Ed(ward) is my nephew, he is about twelve years old and I am one of his godparents, although I have little opportunity to influence his development as we live in separate cities and whilst my brother and I get on, we aren't the closest. The homework turned out to be be about force, levers and turning moments, I was able over the phone to explain the theory and how to workout the figures. Mike said that 'to Ed, force is Star Wars and all that'. The opportunities for learning exploded in my mind... Different concepts of force, power, connection, communication, the meaning of words, myth, science, all sorts. I chuckled and said 'well, you could go the extra mile and explain to him that some times the same word has different meanings...'. I went on to suggest that they got a broom shank and made some simple scales, playing about with the pivot point and the weights needed to get them to balance so Ed could see and feel what all this Moment = Force X Distance stuff is about.

I see Ed has no experience of the environs of his great grand parents, those local authority estates that came to my mind as I looked around that flat, he is separated from and connected to his great grandparents in ways he can't see. I hope that one day he will hold some understanding not just of the mathematical and scientific concepts he is learning now but also of the wisdom teachings which are partly hinted at by the movie he enjoys so much, that one day he will have a rich answer to 'what is force?' and enjoy the chuckle his uncle had on hearing his 'confusion' this morning...

Awareness

I am feeling a lot brighter, a lot lighter. The life passing through is more agreeable, or there is more agreeableness. It's part the longer, lighter days and part connections with people. And it feels like the balance of Being and doing might become more comfortable; the next crop (see previous postings) might be soon.

Being and doing, awareness and 'who is it that does?' True Self and the various aspects of self are what I take Rev Master Mugo to be pointing to in this post on Jade Mountains. The whole question of what to do with ones life seems to me to remain which ever way one does. Life is expressing, Being is, doing unfolds. Responding to what is creatively and authentically without adding or neglecting. Sounds simple, but I rarely find it that way.

It all passes, how will it be later, how will I feel? What actually changes? Is it actually much different when I feel different? Sun faced Buddha, moon faced Buddha.

Returning?

I've just had to re-format my CV and re-send it off to the agency that I am using to find a bit of work. I have always had and still have, a dislike of preparing my CV. The whole thing gives me that wanting it done before I start feeling; I do not want to be doing it. What is all that about? At bottom I guess it's the pulling together from any number of stories and the general pool of information some kind of engrossing, wow look at this synopsis of my working life. This inevitably is not right for every potential employer and in any case I've never been much good at the embroidering seemingly so popular in these things. Ach, I don't want to think about it...

And do I want to be returning to the construction industry? I've mixed views. I love the getting things done, the creativity, but the masks, the games, they are not always worn and played so well. The very worst of capitalism and the Western yang approach seem to be most at home in the construction industry that I've known. That said, I've also known some real care and camaraderie with those I've worked along side.

Well, we'll see what comes long. The break I've had from the industry over the last five months or so has been quite a challenge forcing me to look within. Any return to the industry will be from this place. It's not the first time I've withdrawn, a step back. I notice this on Jade Mountains and I would say:

Going away
returning makes the old new

But I don't think it's just a case of a fresh pair of eyes on old ground that I should pursue work wise. The ground probably should have a tweak too.

We'll see.

In the head

I get too stuck in my head. I've known this for ages of course and there is no Zen in it! But then the head does have its place. Anyway, I've just come back from a very renewing time in Keswick.

I read on Jade Mountains : 'Why is life special?'. I left a comment and remember this response from DC to my question 'what's that line of Adorno's about the colour amidst the grey?':

As discussed (the second one always
brings a lump to my
throat!)

‘Grayness could not fill us with despair if our minds did not harbor the concept of different colors, scattered traces of which are not absent from the negative whole.’
(Adorno, Negative
Dialectics,
377–8.)

‘Peace is the state of distinctness without domination, with the distinct participating in each other.’
(Adorno,
‘Subject and object’, in The
Essential Frankfurt School
Reader, ed.
Andrew Arato and Eike Gebhardt (Oxford:
Blackwell, 1978),
497–511 (p.
500).)

D xx

But staying in the head is no good. I've been feeling like a fallow field, desperate to grow some new crop. And I've just pushed it round and round in my head, that and other stuff. I've tried to just sit with it. But there has been resistance. I've been struggling rather than sitting. There is change and growth in this period though. And I've known all along (in the heart) that it is ok.

How it is

What do I have to say? Nothing much more than in this post.

I feel better than last week, less depressed. I think it helps to accept that I am doing something; I am sitting with what it is I am feeling, what it is that I want, fear etc. And I've booked for DC and I to return to Traigh Bhan at Easter. And I've a day or two in Keswick next week.

I did some citizen advocacy volunteer 'work' today. I have so much to be thankful for and so much to offer. I really do need to find a new creative outlet; some great project.

Shift

I feel something has shifted. Don't know what. I've sort of stopped struggling to find what to do, I am being more patient. I was resisting.

The small potted rose which DC bought for me as a valentine gift some years ago has put out some new leaves. Tenacious little thing; it often looks like it might be at the end, then it has an other go. It probably needs more sun as it is next to a North facing window on the sideboard. I know I need more sun! Roll on spring!

What do I do?

I feel dreadful. I am skirting around the rim of depression. I don't want to write about this and thereby make it more real, but on the other hand it's no good resiting it, denying it.

I have lost my purpose. After the mega stress at work and that awful day in 2003 when I realised I'd got way out of my depth and with potentially deadly consequences and the build up / spiral down to depression in 2004 followed by the saving transition to acceptance gained at Findhorn in 2006, I moved the self work I started to get well again in 2004 in to Buddhism and no-self. And I was doing well but by 2007 it was obvious that work was not nourishing me and I wanted more time to study what might be called Eastern philosophy/spirituality. In practice I found the time and have probably come to a natural plateau in study. But the work situation became less and less satisfactory with the winding-up of core business and the move to schools projects. I felt desperately the need to do something else; a something I still can't find despite leaving work to really sit with what I could do. And there have been other more private issues. And it is so painful, the feeling of isolation is like a huge weight on my chest. In fact it seems like a weight in every cell. I've got to shed this, got to feel each cell whole and happy.

I need to be part of something I feel is of use and uses my talents; something which gives me joy.